The good mother – an unattainable ideal

On Mother's Day, mothers get gratitude and gifts galore. The other 364 days are dominated by demands and social expectations as to what a good mother should be like. A team of sociologists from the University of Vienna investigated across Austria what the norms of motherhood and idealized role models look like here, and how (working) mothers handle expectations.

Culture and Society

May 5, 2025

“The working mother remains a scary idea for many,” explains sociologist Ulrike Zartler. Together with her colleagues Eva-Maria Schmidt and Fabienne Décieux from the University of Vienna, Zartler has investigated the demands placed on “good mothers” today. According to values surveys, 50 percent of Austrians still believe that children suffer when their mothers work. And two thirds are in agreement that it is detrimental to family life if the woman works full-time. Although parental leave regulations are worded in a gender-neutral way, in Austria it is still mostly mothers who stay at home for long periods to look after children and provide care. Subsequently, they return to work part-time.

In the FWF-funded “Norms around motherhood - NorM” research project, the three sociologists investigated which social rules may constitute obstacles to doing things differently. It is quite clear that neither neoliberal social demands nor ideas about “reconciling work and family” have had any noticeable influence on what people expect of mothers.

About the project

A research team in Vienna surveyed different social groups to find out how most people define a “good mother” in Austria. They also investigated how mothers display conformist and non-conformist behavior in everyday life and how this affects society.

Uniform image of motherhood

When the topic is motherhood, everyone has something to say: those who have a mother, who are mothers or know a mother. What do people think about motherhood? What are their opinions and attitudes? What makes a good mother? The researchers discussed these questions in 24 online group discussions with 173 women and men from all over Austria. In addition to the group discussions, the team also conducted individual interviews with mothers of at least one infant. In addition to these analyses, the team evaluated the specialist literature on the subject.

A theoretically sound sample was selected from participants in Vienna, Tyrol, Carinthia and Burgenland. There were mixed-gender as well as all-female and all-male focus groups, with whom the researchers talked about what models of motherhood exist, how they evolved and how people justified them. The groups first shared their own experiences and ideas, then discussed them on the basis of two specific examples. These two case vignettes described the maternity leave period and divided up 60 hours of weekly working hours in a family with two children.

In one case, the mother had been on maternity leave for two years, returned to work with a 10-hour contract and ultimately worked 20 hours, while the father had continuously a 40-hour week. In the other case, the mother had returned to work full-time four months after the birth, the father had then stayed at home and subsequently both worked for 30 hours each. “We were surprised to note very few differences among the groups. No matter if they were city dwellers or country people, nor whether they had or hadn't completed school or a university degree: in Austria there is a relative consensus about what a mother is and should be like,” explains Fabienne Décieux.

Permanent emotional work

In Austria, a “good” mother meets a whole host of expectations. She is responsible for ensuring that her child receives the best possible care. She is child-centered and, as the primary caregiver, cares intensively and lovingly for her children, is devoted to them and spends as much time as possible with them. Where mothers did not fulfil the plethora of expectations, the discussants developed different strategies to excuse, condone or criticize their behavior.

“The criticism was not necessarily expressed clearly, but one could read it between the lines,” notes Eva-Maria Schmidt. These were some of the things being said: in Austria, mothers are “forced to go to work”, being a mother is the antithesis of working life. If they miss their child during their working hours, mothers encounter understanding. While people tolerate a mother who is career-minded, they can hardly imagine having her in their own family. And there is explicit disapproval of “inconsiderate mothers” who put their own needs above those of the child.

Only a happy mother is a good mother

The 23 individual interviews show that mothers tended not to question the prevailing norms, but rather developed strategies to integrate them into their everyday activities. The idea that only a happy mother can be a good mother does not detract from the expectation that mothers can be happy only when they are “child-centered” and subordinate their own needs to those of the child. “Mothers practice accepted forms of self-care,” explains Fabienne Décieux. They take time “to nurture the caring self in order to be able to take good care of the child”. Mothers take care of their own livelihood through gainful employment, but they also control their emotions and adjust them in order to live motherhood as positively and (outwardly) happily as possible. These expectations are also idealized on social media (the buzzword: tradwives). Mothers do a lot to be relaxed, content and happy. They work on their emotions and regulate aggression, frustration or feelings of guilt, because they assume that their positive feelings are important for the child's development.

Education under pressure

The empirical findings match those described in the scientific literature for western, democratic, affluent industrialized nations. They describe a mother who is present, outgoing , employed, happy and future-oriented. The future-oriented mother does everything for the successful development of her child. If the offspring misbehaves, is overweight or takes drugs, she feels responsible and is also blamed by society. It is hardly surprising that a guilty conscience is closely associated with motherhood.

Feelings of guilt are actually unavoidable in the tense relationship between multiple norms. “We tried to extract from the discussions normative social expectations which are not (or no longer) fully expressed. Mothers are confronted with these expectations throughout their lives in their interactions with many different people,” notes Eva- Maria Schmidt. She also has a few explicit quotes to offer: good mothers “should sacrifice themselves”, “scale back their whole life” and “it goes without saying that sacrifice is unavoidable to make it work”.

Before the birth, many couples decide to share care work and remunerated work equally. Others think it will come to pass naturally. “It's not the individual mother who's not up to it. . Many people agree that equality is good for society. But in order to successfully implement this in everyday family life, we need considerable changes in the general framework conditions,” explains Ulrike Zartler. The three sociologists agree that it is not Mother's Day, but the 364 other days of the year that shape the image of motherhood. And it is not only family members, but many different actors, who contribute to this image.

Personal details

Ulrike Zartler is Professor of Family Sociology at the Department of Sociology at the University of Vienna. Her work focuses on family, childhood and youth sociology, norms relating to parents and families, transition processes in families and in life trajectories, separation/divorce and their consequences as well as the sociological analysis of family and child law. Ulrike Zartler is a member of the Austrian Children's Rights Board and co-editor of the Journal of Family Research and the Interdisciplinary Journal of Family Law. The project “NorM - Norms around motherhood” was awarded EUR 300,000 in funding by the Austrian Science Fund FWF.